To trust and let go

I have been watching CNN closely for the past few days. Plane crashes always get to me. This is so tragic. Too many lives shortened. 

There are also so many conspiracy theories that it is super disturbing. That it was to distract people from the damage that is being inflicted upon Gaza by Israel; others say that it was an attempt to kill Putin. The latest that I have heard is that this aircraft is MH370, conveniently re-dressed and used in this sick ploy. So much that we do not know about. I feel stupid watching the news at times, knowing that the media is so controlled and knowing that those who control it think that the recipients are retards. How does one trust anything that is ever mass broadcasted anymore? 

I pray that whoever has been hurt in this process meets with God swiftly, I pray that the family and friends of those hurt take solace that God is with them. 

This inspires me to live harder, to live harder for myself. I was reminded that too much time has been spent on contemplating how I might control a certain incident. There isn’t any controlling to do, I shall believe that the right opportunity shall present itself, as propelled by God. 

Still seeking Him fervently. Thank you God for never giving up. I can’t imagine life if you are not persistent in pursuing me. Thank you God. 

Also praying for all in Gaza and Israel.

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Watch, learn and grow

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DpsEZdI0pNw

I realise that the root of all of my insecurities and problems has to be attributed to my lack of confidence in God. Which, truly sounds rather stupid when I see it typed out or thought about. However, it might not be as easy as it seems. It is one to understand the idea that I ought not lack in confidence in God, it is another to internalise it. Internalising it will lead to confidence, not in myself but in God. And I was studying the video up there (of Joyce Meyer’s teaching on being a confidence woman) and confidence in God is, almost translatable to faith in God. 

Why, o why then does my heart ache, swim in confusion and in securities? Why the immense fear? In face of that much uncertainty, how do I stay focused on God? 

For now, I repeat to myself, “Fear not, for I am with you.” And also how Jesus told Peter to step into the water; and it honestly looked it is something crazy to do. But I am thankful that the bible gives us more details - Peter walked on the water, like Jesus did because Jesus empowered him. It is the unknown. It is a crazy idea. But faith in Jesus and trust in Him allowed Peter to walk and do the impossible. But when Peter lost his focus on Jesus, he found the inability to stay above the water and began to sink. I don’t think that it means that Jesus stopped empowering him, but I feel that it is more like when we focus on our fears and weaknesses, it is just difficult to get the impossible done. But God never leaves us. When Peter called out to Jesus for help, because he was scared, Jesus lovingly said o, why did you not have faith? Because it is faith that will empower us! Jesus saved him and they went back onto the boat. From the video, I had also learnt that when we return to “safety”, signified by the boat, the storm calms because there is no longer an impossibility to be conquered. 

I want to step out in faith today. It is 5 am in the morning here in HK. The joy of the Lord is my strength and shield. He shall protect and defend me. I give it to you God, I am weak, but you are strong. I trust that you will carry me through. 

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So…

Today we are flying off! It has been 2 months since my move here and how unexpected things have turned!

I still thank God, though my heart is going in all directions. I declare that I trust my almighty God, who have made me promises at the moment of my need.

He tells me that though I have eyes but not see; ears but do not hear, I am still all His. He still clears my paths before me, He has already won my battles. He has. My heart will be well; for my Lord will not forsake me. He will leave the 99 sheep to look for me. He is on is way and is round the corner. For I am worth more than many sheep, many sparrows, many lilies.

I seek you God. I leave it to you. Thank you for the great times ahead. I know that you love me, it will be great.

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Just out with him. 💏💏💏💏💑💑💑 And we did my #nails. Took us a few tries! Hence the mess on the side. Hahaha. But the smells were giving us both headaches so I couldn’t clean them anymore!!! 😯😯😯😯😯😯😯 #manicure #pedicure #cakegirlbeauty

Just out with him. 💏💏💏💏💑💑💑 And we did my #nails. Took us a few tries! Hence the mess on the side. Hahaha. But the smells were giving us both headaches so I couldn’t clean them anymore!!! 😯😯😯😯😯😯😯 #manicure #pedicure #cakegirlbeauty

cakegirlbeauty nails manicure pedicure

This amazing colour was awarded #Pantone colour of the year just a few months ago… It is so lovely that I cannot keep my hands off it. There is no need to fork more #moolah out for it, this particular #OPI bottle was produced a few years ago! #manicure #pedicure #nail #nailcolour #summer #2014 #매니큐어 #夏日 #最時尚 #指甲油 #閃閃讓人愛 #マニキュア #cakegirl #beautywriter #beautyblogger #beautymusings #beautyeditor #cakegirlbeauty #asiangirl

This amazing colour was awarded #Pantone colour of the year just a few months ago… It is so lovely that I cannot keep my hands off it. There is no need to fork more #moolah out for it, this particular #OPI bottle was produced a few years ago! #manicure #pedicure #nail #nailcolour #summer #2014 #매니큐어 #夏日 #最時尚 #指甲油 #閃閃讓人愛 #マニキュア #cakegirl #beautywriter #beautyblogger #beautymusings #beautyeditor #cakegirlbeauty #asiangirl

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Fear, doubt and unbelief

So, I was crying again. I felt the immense pressure and weight that pressed against my heart. I tried to keep it in but of course, he knew and he asked about it. 

He said a lot of things, and we had digressed into other areas of our lives.

But in conclusion this is what I believe is happening to me -

We are moving forward, and God has given us many, many golden opportunities just because. Just because. We are golden. I assure you that we are. cakegirl is finally launched. We are in a free space. We have time on our hands. I haven’t been in a healthier relationship in my life. I am at where I have always wanted to be. I should be happy. But there has yet to be a day in which I am not gripped by fear, doubt and unbelief. If you have been there, you would know. It feels like an everlasting fall. A everlasting spiral fall, the heart pounds too quickly and it never stops. It feels like I am held hostage to my fears.

What am I so fearful of?

I think that I am scared of this -  I fear moving back to HK. Firstly because of my personal experience. Going back to HK means having to be in close proximity with my family and I do not have good relationships with them. I do not trust them. Am I horrible for saying this out loud? But I find it terribly hard to trust them. Should I tell them that I am moving back? I have grand plans, should I tell them about what they need to know? 

Moving back to HK also scares me because we had concluded some time ago that the devil has a terribly tight grip on the city. Will I be able to handle it? Will he be, will we be able to survive the pressure? Will going back change our relationship? Will be grow to be so busy that we would have no time for each other? 

The second primary thing that is scaring me is this - Will I lose this guy that I really love? What has been strange is that being in Singapore never gave me even a tinge of these feelings. I didn’t even feel that way when I had moved here. Yet from the moment that I knew that we may be moving back to HK, these feelings, these thoughts just came at me - persistently. When he told me of his plans so jovially I cannot help but wonder if he would have proceeded with those plans anyway… I wonder if he would meet another girl in HK and leave me for her. I would have all these crazy whispers in my head. My mind is so fogged, I could barely hear my own thoughts. A thing or two may cheer me up in the day, but my heart sank at the very thought of moving back, whispers kept telling me that I am going to lose this man that I love. 

I thank God today though, for telling me new things. I have been in torment for the past 3 to 4 weeks, I have been left to dry. I have felt really alone, like nobody can quite understand my insecurities. I have lost faith in the God who has never left. I have forgotten about who I am. I am lost. 

I was reminded by him today that when we accepted Christ, we were born again, and we became new creatures. As such, God re-represented himself to us, by opening our eyes and hearts to things that we did not understand from before. 

I was reminded that God gives each servant their talents (or minas) - both in ancient days and in modern terms - gifts, talents, favour, blessings according to their capacity. I refer to Matthew 25:14-30. Yet like the servant who was timid and scared, I am burying my talents, gifts, favour, blessings - including our relationship with fear. I am fearful, hence I bury it, thinking it is safe. I control it the manner I know how, because of fear. 

I thank God that He reminds me not to be fearful, and the most interesting manner the bible said that the master said to the first 2 servants “You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness.” These servants had placed their faith in whatever it was, and gained more with what they were given. They were not fearful. 

The second important lesson that I was reminded of was this - I refer to Luke 15. Repeatedly Jesus tells of the same principle through parables, and to be exact, he did that 3 times. I suppose it means that He knows that either a. a lot of us need to know this, hence different parables reach different people of b. we need to know this hence he repeats it 3 times in 3 different ways. 

I am lost, like the sheep, the coin and the younger son. I have wandered off. I am attacked and feel alone. But Jesus said that He would look for me. Being God’s child has its privileges. It means that He will always look for you when you are lost. It means that whenever you ask, you will receive, when you seek, you will find and when you knock, the door will be opened to you. In Matthew 7:12, Jesus concludes that section by saying that “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” 

I know that it has been trying on my man, as I go through this time of difficulty. I would try, as hard as I know how, and I will seek God. I want to get out of this season. I want to pick myself up. I know that God is already on His way. I know that I am important. I know that God will leave the 99 behind just to look for me. I know that I am important enough for him to come for me personally. I know so. Because Jesus said if we, who are evil know to give to our kids what is God, what more God who is love? 

Thank you God today for all of the lessons, thank you for the encouragement that I needed. Thank you for the blessings in my life. Thank you for my boyfriend who loves me. 

If anyone should be reading this, I pray that it helps you see a little or a lot of what God wants you to see through my struggle, and I hope that you will also grow to be closer to Him today like I have. I pray that you will find your answers in Him soon too. 

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What a Keeper! I have been using this #moisturizer for more than 8 years now… There is good reason. I feel that nobody has quite captured my heart like #jurlique has. If you have dry and sensitive skin like I do, you can read about my take on their #moisture #replenishing #daycream #skincare #beautymusings #beautywriter #beautyeditor #asian #skin #beautyblogger #australia

What a Keeper! I have been using this #moisturizer for more than 8 years now… There is good reason. I feel that nobody has quite captured my heart like #jurlique has. If you have dry and sensitive skin like I do, you can read about my take on their #moisture #replenishing #daycream #skincare #beautymusings #beautywriter #beautyeditor #asian #skin #beautyblogger #australia

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Uncertainty

So I have been in Toronto for about 1.5 months now. And it has been interesting the many things that have happened to me, to us. I have had the luxury of time to think about a lot of things, and perhaps in more ways than necessary. Therefore while I have come to terms and come conclusions about some of the matters, there are others, other originally wondrous ideas that seem fuzzed up at the moment. 

I hence seek God, I look hard. I feel that I can look deeper, I can reach for Him more aggressively, but at the same time I try to remind myself that God will come to me. 

I am scared. I tell myself that God is already there. 

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